People say, 'Maybe it's not meant to be.'
People say, 'Stop trying so hard, it'll happen when it happens.'
People say, 'You could just adopt. There are so many babies in the world just waiting for parents.'
And they have no idea how much those words hurt; in fact they think they are helping. But here is the truth: when you can't make a baby, or when you can't keep a baby growing until it's big enough to be born in to the world, you feel lonely. Sometimes it's like you're the only person on the planet. You can see the other people walking around, but you can't feel them. You don't talk to your friends about it because you can't stand the way they look at you. Your family gets uncomfortable when you bring it up and your grandma starts talking about how they made babies 'the old fashioned way' back in her day. Your partner, although he wants to help, doesn't know how to make you feel better and is struggling too. Talking about it makes it worse, because you blame yourselves and you blame each other even though your know it's no one's fault. You are suffering. It's heartbreaking to watch your teenage cousin's belly swell with her 'accidental' baby. You are still driving the car your parents bought you in college and you haven't taken a day off in a year, because IVF is expensive and your insurance won't cover a penny. You don't even recognize yourself sometimes. You are sad, angry, jealous. Desperate. What seems to come so easily to others has become a daily struggle for you and no one really appears to understand.
But here is the truth: you are not alone
Infertility affects one in eight women. ONE IN EIGHT. That means that at any given time, you could feasibly walk in any direction for five minutes and find someone who has been or is currently suffering in the same ways you are. Someone who knows the excruciating pain of another negative pregnancy test, someone who knows that even the earliest miscarriage is not a 'failed pregnancy' to you, but is instead a very real lost baby. One in eight women will sit with you on the due date of the baby you didn't get to keep, because they know how much it matters. One in eight means there are people around you who understand the battle you are fighting, and the extra layer of joy you will feel one day when you finally touch your baby's downy skin for the very first time. Someone, somewhere knows what fertility problems can do to a marriage and how it is possible come out of it with a stronger partnership. One in eight women will let you cry on their shoulder, because they know that they will need someone to cry on, too. One in eight women will come over and show you how to give yourself shots on your first round of injectables. One in eight women will hold your hand while you wait for your lab results, bring you cookies after you have your endometriosis removed, understand why you can't come to their baby shower. One in eight means you are NOT alone.
We can't ignore our own pain surrounding fertility; it's too real, too palpable. But we can deal with it better. Don't ignore the support that women can provide. Don't ignore an outstretched hand, a cry for help, an offer of comradery. Don't ignore each other.
We are showing our support for couples struggling with fertility issues and participating in National Infertility Awareness Week. We will be posting every day this week to help spread the word and encourage you to share with your friends and family!
To learn more about the disease of infertility click here: http://www.resolve.org/infertility101
To learn more about NIAW, click here: http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html
